港燦.城門.伊波拉人

今回話說我佛慈悲,一眾港燦們從奴役中得一喘息。又莉莎姐在群眾之壓力下,縮沙失敗。城門之行得以始發。

是日陰霾未散,然眾港燦們仍堅持睡至日上三杆之天賦人權。及至午時,各路港燦方先後抵達起點——菠蘿之壩。一眾烏合先是圍著郊野地圖七嘴八舌,對於是次行程各有一番表述。奈何眾人皆毫無地圖閱讀之常識,偏又有自作聰明之癖好。一者拿出「新發殼」之東瀛相機,企圖將郊遊圖收為後用。一者拿出微軟GPS手杖沾沾自喜。各人雖鬼胎各異,卻也樂得順其自然。大圍之雞粥、乳鴒仿佛已近在眼前,惹人垂涎。狂枉至極者,自以為,沿途吹水照相,至多一個時辰,自能信步而至,功德圓滿。然良好之願望,往往只是失敗之嘲笑。梅菲定理之宿命,早已混在白紋伊蚊群中,徘徊在港燦們無知的腦袋上。

眾港燦為抗蚊患,先是分發高科技防蚊貼。然此貼雖氣味刺鼻,防蚊之效卻成疑問,依附力更是不堪。行程之初,各人身上蚊貼幾已盡沒。少數保全者,身上卻已陸續浮現蚊吻之紅點。高科技防蚊之神話,自此幻滅。幸港燦們吹水之功早已趨近至境,混混然使出而不著痕跡,咇哩八啦已能使人忘憂。未幾眾人話題已從日常工作,拉扯到歐羅巴自由行的如詩美妙。先是港燦一對,宣稱已辭去工作,靜候數十個世界杯夜晚的輕狂。其間更卜下往歐羅巴自由行之平價機票,一待八月即可起行。布拉格的不能承受之輕、柏林的碎裂圍牆、瑞士的湖光山色、羅馬的羅馬假期、西班牙的火舞風情、巴黎的羅曼蒂克.....言語間,二人早已沉醉在西方的極樂世界,而不覺嘴角漸厚之口沫。另一燦妹亦不甘後人,使出一招寓工作於遊玩的愛爾蘭之旅,勝出之勢不在國家之多,而在日子之長——八個月。眾港燦一下子傻了眼,狠狠地擰了擰大腿上的厚肉,猛地吞了幾下口水,方才深表震驚地接受這一事實(註:以上眾燦之反應,實是該燦妹沾沾自喜之幻想罷了)。實情是港燦們早已習得阿Q之真傳,將精神勝利大法背得滾瓜爛熟,使得如影隨形,西人語之曰「EQ」高也。一燦譏之曰:你去洗大餅啊。一燦笑裡藏刀曰:不如你去果處賣煎釀三寶或者咖哩魚彈啊。一燦氣定神閒曰:嗯,用中國書法去幫那些鬼子佬寫寫名字,或者寫些「福」字什麼的,在都柏林的街頭叫賣:「福U、福U」,包發到豬頭咁。另一燦卻了無新意曰:不如去識返個鬼佬嫁左佢算啦。引來眾燦呵欠連連,心底齊罵:福U福U。

常曰:人定勝天,然四體不勤之燦者,則每每為天道所敗。上回提到是日天陰,卻沒有提到仍悶熱難當。眾燦一行,負重者早已氣喘如牛。輕盈者,亦大汗淋漓。莉莎姐紙扇猛撥,卻已無心思分辨撲面的是香氣還是甲荃。眾燦當初誓下大圍啖乳鴒的意氣早已渙散,繞塘一周乘車去的懸念漸行漸厚。及至中段,忽聞一燦曰:有識途者乎。眾燦皆暗喜曰:不知道不知道啊。當初將地圖收於「新發殼」之相機,或身懷高科技GPS手杖之燦亦混在人群,隨眾聲作無辜狀曰:不知道不知道啊,我什麼都不知道啊。眾燦欣然和議,繞塘一周繞塘一周,此乃審時度世心思慎密之決定也。

雖目的已定,然路途近半仍侍完成。行至林木茂密之處,紋風不動,不但悶氣難當,路途更有漸趨陡峭之勢。港燦們喘息噓噓更見不濟。困乏之際,山野之間偶遇一家老少港燦數名。正巧一靈猴亦在路邊悠然自得,甚為趣緻。一童燦見之大樂,欲撲之。其父急喝止。其母亦厲聲責之曰:你能勝之乎!童燦不語。其母續曰:猴之一爪,即急症室矣。狂犬針,針針肚臍,識驚乎!?童燦不語。其父補充之曰:然想上頭條新聞乎?不知羞乎?狂犬者外,尚有伊波拉病毒,嗚乎哀哉。莫變伊波拉人,縱父母亦大難臨頭矣。眾好事幸災之港燦,聞之妙語早已樂不可支,疲勞盡去。彼一言,此一語,添油加醋。起哄曰:猴之一爪,豈止於狂犬症、伊波拉,豈止於頭條新聞之羞、父母之禍?且有大學止步者也,學醫不能者也,終不能為港燦英雄之大者——中產是也。嗚呼哀哉。是為伊波拉人事件之始末。港燦城門之行至此,已是極樂,後話略之。

P.S.上述事件中,並無任何港燦受到傷害。另文中之部分,實乃虛構,如有雷同,實屬不幸。在此謹祝三位將會遠行的港燦,一行功德圓滿,其他港燦亦身心康泰。阿隬陀佛!

9 comments

  1. 思存 says:

    (馬後炮) 我一早都話行錯路架啦, 你班友又話隨緣~

    仲有呀, 以後行完山唔淮去飲茶!

    (變形風景變形人, 濫用廣角鏡呀你~~ 肯定係新屎坑~)

  2. 小丑 says:

    (炮後車) 好彩無跟隊行山。

    變形人?好過PAAG。

  3. li-sa says:

    y cant go to “yum-char” arr??

    ps… amazingly fast !!! unbelievable !!!!

  4. Anonymous says:

    行完山的人特別肚餓, 特別肚餓的人以為自己很能吃, 以為自己很能吃的人會失去數字管理的能力, 失去數字管理的能力點菜必定失控, 點菜失控結果滿桌食物又不想折墮唯有夾硬食哂食到大家痴肥行多幾次山都補唔返囉

  5. 港制墨屎 says:

    多謝多謝。
    功德圓滿唔包買手信架呀呵。
    愛爾蘭無乜特產架。

  6. 老師甲 says:

    很詳盡的回顧。雖然相片確有些變形,但色澤分明,感覺寧靜而舒服,那些綠也充滿著新機。

    雖然擔心文中有句用中文字表達的英文用語,可能給瀏覽我站的小雛們學效(平時他們對學習倒沒有這樣積極和進取:p),但還是把這不錯的網頁連結了~

  7. Tale says:

    d學生咁易學壞既話,都唔晒浪費老師甲既時間啦...嘿

  8. Mandy says:

    Hey this is a really hilarious post, and so educational too! All these faux-Confucian chinese writing – brilliant!

    But what made me want to comment here is the fact that I’m from Dublin myself, so it’s very interesting for me to hear that “港制墨屎” will be spending 8 months in Ireland! You’re very welcome to look me up when you’re here.

    And to respond briefly to Tale’s impressions of Dublin – I’m very glad to say that, even though there has been a sudden influx of Chinese students from mainland China here over the last few years, we haven’t degenerated into having these students “賣煎釀三寶或者咖哩魚彈” or “用中國書法去幫那些鬼子佬寫寫名字,或者寫些「福」字什麼的”, unlike say, New York or even London where there is a much more established (and insulated) Chinese community. We don’t have Chinatown here – and I’m glad that we don’t, for it shows that we haven’t (yet) been segregated off into an area destined to survive only on purveying cultural pastiche. Curiously, the more indigenous Chinese community here come mostly from Hong Kong, and many of us are integrated into the wider community (though of course, many of these also work in the restaurant/take-away trade, but this applies much less to the second generation, who have no problems competing in the esteemed professions be it medicine or IT).

    There was a middle-aged woman from mainland China who busked in the main shopping street late at night, doing traditional chinese dancing even in freezing cold weather (which is most of the time here even during summer). That was a couple of years ago, and I’m not sure if she’s still there. Anyway, I would cringe with embarrassment everytime my friends and I passed by her on our way back from pubs, as well as fearing for her safety at the same time (after all, she was wearing very flimsy clothing and there were lots of drunks around…)

    Anyway, the main point is that, although there are quite a number of Chinese restaurants, there’s not (yet) any full-scale cringe-inducing cliche Chinese stuff on sale in Dublin. In fact, I crave Hong Kong’s “咖哩魚彈” so much because I haven’t been able to have them for almost a decade now! And to be honest, I’d like to keep it that way, as I soooo don’t want Dublin to turn into the likes of London or New York.

  9. Tale says:

    謝謝你的留言。我已將你的留言轉寄給港製墨屎了。

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.